Eid Roundup: Cops Begging for Eidi

I went out on first day of Eid to transport some meat. Besides scenes of carnage and guts spilled out, the thing to notice was rangers and policemen stationed at various points for security reasons. I got stopped by a policeman on the way. I stopped to cooperate, thinking maybe some random checking was going on. I was both surprised and amused by what came next.

The cop started with usual salam and eid mubarak. He carried a gun in his hand. Instead of checking or searching, he said:

"Sir, hum ap ki hifazat k liye kharay hain yahan, zara Eidi tu ho jaye aj, hehe!", roughly translating to: "Sir, we are out here to protect you, so we deserve a little something you know, hehe!".

"Protection? While you are out here begging for money, someone may sneak through with a truckload of explosives right beside your vehicle that already seems to have been through some kinda blast". Off course I did not say that, but it did come up in my mind.

So, having heard his plea, I looked out into the distance, then at my wallet, and back at the dark figure to see whether I had mistaken a beggar for a cop, but that wasn't so. He read the expression on my face that said "this is simply absurd". He showed his teeth that were clearly not brushed and threw another shameless "hehe" at me.

And then here is what I managed to say: "I don't feel like giving anything to you."

I immediately had a feeling that those were maybe not the right words. He had a gun in his hand, and only the day before I had seen a news story on cops stopping a motorist on same grounds and shooting him down. And I should have known that cops stop people for no reason around Eid to extract a few extra bucks from them. But what could I do; I like to say it the way I feel it. I know these policemen are poor and all, but that didn't change the way I felt, because you don't have to be rich or poor to have a good character. If you are not cut out for the job, just don't do it. If begging or plundering is what you want to do, you don't have to wear a uniform for that.

Upon hearing I didn't feel like paying him a dime, his expression turned to a mix of disappointment and disparagement, as if I had lessened his authority and dignity. He said: "That's okay, it's not like we are forcing you to pay us".

If that is the way it is, then I should be outa there, I thought. I waved at him and drove off, all the while thinking that they must have noted down my registration number and the things they will do to me the next time they stop me.

I can't even tell myself to never ever stop for cops, because I drive an ordinary vehicle that screams out my helplessness: "this is your guy, he's not a big shot, not someone important, no one's looking out for him. Get him!".

We pay our taxes for these goons out there to harass us?

When saviors too turn out to be plunderers, how can you still convince yourself that we haven't hit rock bottom?

Anonymous "safe-driving buddies" gave me hope

We all get frustrated at the general chaos and nonsense that surrounds us and it is completely understandable to vent it out at times. It is, however, much more important to highlight and share any little glimmer of hope that we may find within the chaos. I did the former in my last post. I'm going to stick to the later in this one.

On my way back home from work on Shar-e-Faisal, the main artery of the city, I was pleasantly surprised to see the car just ahead of me, not because it was also a Cultus, but because the driver played it completely safe in the fast lane; keeping his 3-second distance and at times more than that from the car ahead of him, never in a hurry, not switching lanes in a frenzy, high-beam off, no use of dipper (you don't have to if you are keeping your distance), no abrupt braking or acceleration, keeping it steady. I couldn't make out if he was wearing a seat-belt, but he seemed to be doing everything else right.

And it doesn't end there. Moments later, another Cultus appeared just behind me. I thought this third guy would really get pissed. He would either switch lanes and overtake me or flash the dipper at me like crazy because the 3-second space here is actually taken as going slow in the fast lane. He did neither. He followed in pretty much the same manner as the two cars ahead of him.

Those 10 minutes were like a modern day miracle in Karachi to me. I haven't been through anything like that ever. There is always some a-hole lurking around who is in a mindless hurry. Traffic was not as heavy as it usually gets which might have helped, but I'm sure the three of us would have done the same in heaviest of traffics, the idiots from the middle lane filching our 3-second spaces being the only problem.

My friend Jdee has this “buddies” thing going on; if you buy the same cellphone that he has, you are his “cellphone buddy”, if you have the same racket then you two are “tennis racket buddies”. The third Cultus dipped into the middle lane and then took a left turn, but me and the one ahead went on for a while until I also had to take a left turn. But while we were at it, I felt like going up to the guys and telling them: “hey guys, we are safe-driving buddies”.

So, my friends, despite anything to the contrary, there is hope! And if you observe closely, you might even conclude that most of them out there are not really that screwed up, it's just a handful or a minority at best that is making all the mess that we are all in.

As I'm composing this post, there is news on TV of an oil tanker falling over a car and 3 people dying.

Please be safe out there, for all of us.

Let me have my 3-second space!

I got picked for a random safe driving test at work a few months ago. I came to know about the 3-second rule for the first time although I have been driving for a few years. Its about avoiding tailgating and maintaining a safe distance of 3 seconds from the car ahead. Distance off course varies with varying speed, but the idea is that it can be covered in 3 seconds.

I have been trying out the 3-second rule since then on Karachi's busy roads. According to the rule, the distance should be doubled to 6 seconds when traffic is heavy, and tripled to 9 in inclement weather. But we live in an upside-down world here. What happens is that driver's from left and even those from behind keep overtaking me and occupy the 3-second space I maintain in front of me. Idiots think I'm going slow and there is space up for grabs just in front of me.

I say to myself: "What did you expect, wise guy? You're not exactly doing in Rome what the Romans do. We get multiple shots at life in this country so don't be a wimp. It goes bumper-to-bumper, that's the way we roll around here. You are just wasting space. It's not safety first, its me first. Abrupt brakes and accidents in the fast lane, and then the barbaric brawls, don't you just love that? You and your shitty 3-second space. Huh!"

I'm thinking of having a bumper sticker made: "I'm not going slow. I know it's stupid, but I'm just trying to be safe."

What the hell are we up to as a nation? We blind those in front of us with our high beams, we don't have the discipline to observe daylight saving, we don't have the courtesy to let someone have their 3-second space. Why the hell did we demand for a separate country for all of us if we can't tolerate each other?

Education

"My education was interrupted only by my schooling." - Winston Churchill.

"Bull's-eye !!" - Farhan Shaikh

A Classy, Sophisticated, Tasteful Worm

Imagine saving the best and most expensive outfit you possess for an important occasion and when you finally dig it out of the closet, you find tiny holes in it; holes that are most artfully pierced and strategically positioned by a cloth-eating worm.

It is not known where the worm came from or what species it belonged to, but a special mention must be made here for the ultra sophisticated taste-buds the worm possessed; it could have gone for any of the fabrics piled over each other, but it went straight for the best and most expensive one, which shows the worm was a connoisseur, it had panache, and a penchant for class and elegance.

The worm was taken into custody after a rigorous search operation. It met with its ultimate destiny - death - but not before leaving behind holes in my plans, and off course in my pants.

As in the words of Austin Powers for a resilient Mini-me: "Poor little bugger, I salute you!"